by Simran Singh
Living Full Out… Free… Trusting the Unknown…
We want to wash our hands of the darkness we carry but we cannot. The farther we run from it, the closer it appears. We cannot scrub it, wish it, will it or cut it away. It is a part of us, as close as the skin…in most cases completely to the core. But look at it…see it here now…is it not as beautiful? Could it be that the dark is the most necessary complement and contrast to the Light? Is it the birth place of the Light? Perhaps just as a plant begins as a seed…the Light begins as the dark. The seed does not realize it is a plant until it begins to grow. The darkness cannot reveal light, until it begins to grow. The stalk of the plant does not know it can flower until a flower appears. The darkness has no way to know the Light is rising within it, to finally shine. Can we allow both, embrace both…cherish both; and give them equal presence in our lives?
As I moved through my experience moment to moment, truly committed to the organic unknowing and unknown, an awareness began deeply within my being. It began as an audible beating heart. My body knew something that my mind had been hiding from me for a long time. I could feel it. As the day progressed, the heart thumping became accompanied by a series of knots in my stomach. And then a frenzied energy took over my skin. I kept watching myself, as if from across the room.
‘Who is that person? Do I know?’
There was something different in this person today. I knew her but she knew something I did not. I had spent so many years intimately getting to know Simran…yet, in this moment I felt as if I knew nothing about her. I had torn down the masks, one by one over the years…yet, could masks still remain; perhaps the largest of all? The uneasiness continued strongly…I had to know what I did not know about myself. It seemed like knowledge that spanned my whole life…knowledge that would change everything in an instant. I knew it was related emphatically to The Rebel Road journey being embarked upon in the next few weeks.
A part of me wanted to sit in the feeling and allow it to unfold naturally…but this was deep. This could take a while and I wanted to know now. I wanted these stirrings of discomfort to stop, or at least understand why they were here. Was it my heart…could I be following in the wrong direction? …Maybe I was going in the right direction and was finally experiencing fear. Few people knew I had never really been scared in my life about anything. I did not know that feeling, I just dove into everything that would appear scary to most…I would do it without a second thought. Or was that busyness a subtle form of fear now revealing itself boldly.
I grew up having to handle various situations in business, the public, at home…in a way that was natural, spontaneous and ‘got the job done.’ I had lived this way from the time I was four years old. I knew no other way. If heights made me uneasy, I jumped out of airplanes at 15,000 feet. If a task seemed to big or hard, I would go climb mountains…Kilimanjarro, Copper Canyon, Machu Picchu…If I did not know how to write a book, I created a magazine I had to put out every two months. If I did not now how to speak…I dove into a weekly radio show. In my childhood home, we had been taught that ‘can’t’ is not an option…and…’impossible’ is in the dictionary of fools.
Again, I was at another precipice of my life…not a doorway, that would be too simple and safe…I would only create a cliffhanging experience. I had to know what this was about. I picked up the phone and called the person who felt closest to me in this moment…I knew she would be safe…she would hold the space and she would let whatever processed come without judgment. I needed to take down this mask in the presence of someone who unconditionally loved me.
The first few statements came through in a quiver and then I could feel the tears rising. “I have created everything in my life, worked hard and stayed busy….out of fear…out of the fear of doing nothing, being nothing…having no identity. My whole life has been based in the darkness of fear. And now that I know that, I feel like this year is to strip me of all that I truly know and I will dissolve into the nothingness. This road into the unknown is truly the unknowing of the self…And that will end up in the allness and the nothingness…the fullness and the emptiness. We think we know who we are but we have no idea…no idea.”
“One does not know where the road goes unless they actually begin traveling upon it.”
Who I was had gotten me as far as I could go. That was the truth as I knew it. Every day looked the same…everything felt the same as it always had…but without the drama, the pain or the conflict. I was a bit different. Not too much, yet a lot. Over the prior seven years, I had moved from not feeling to feeling, moving out of fear to moving in and from love, void of my creative self to expressing creative essence. I was reaching out, touching people in powerful ways but…
It was a big BUT…I was just as disconnected as I had always been. In order to survive the chaos that my personal life had been, I built around myself a safe little cocoon of work, silence and isolation where I could control all that entered and exited my experience. I controlled what inspired me or to what degree and manner I would experience the world. However, it appeared that I was very connected. After all, my work reached people all over the world. But actually, they were connecting to me; I was still hiding inside my home not allowing anyone to get too close to me…to really know me…to see my vulnerability. In fact, did I really know who I was…or did I only know the identity that I and everyone else now believed in?
“You are concerned with all the veils that keep you hidden from your Light. Perhaps, it is time to place veils upon the eyes and ears that have only been able to see distortions of that Light. When all other sense has failed, the moment arises where love, courage and commitment lead you by the strings of your heart. And then you will know what it is to be free…”
— Simran Singh
As I was leaving the life I had come to know and buy into, how might that be limiting me…even more so, limiting the Divine from expressing in, as and through me? Was I so unconsciously arrogant that I would hold back the power of the Divine experiencing and expressing itself as me?
Who I was had gotten me as far as I could go…It was time to dive into the unknown… the unknown self that was the greater Divinity of myself. Could I do that? Would I allow myself to see who I had really been behind the smoke and mirrors…the Great Oz of my own world? Who had I become and imprisoned myself into? Who had I bought into and convinced myself was my identity?
I sat in stillness and presence for the next couple of weeks. I moved about each day, very conscious of each choice and movement. I made not of the signs and symbols that appeared. The vision for The Rebel Road dropped into my mind just a couple of weeks later. It was to truly be ‘a stretching.’
The Rebel Road was to take me as far outside as I was to go inside. It would appear as an external jaunt but would actually be a deep dive into the inner depths of my being. The Rebel Road would expand me far and wide, allowing all that I knew to be taken to the next level. I said the YES! I knew Y.E.S. to be You Expressing Source…
As I surrendered to the trust…the voice of perfect love appeared as a spiritual family, a creative community, and a one-woman show bridging the journey of the soul from what was to what IS.